I am taking better care of myself. My mind feels clearer, and my heart not so heavy. I still love the quiet. I enjoy solitude more now than ever before. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to be alone, it is just that I enjoy the peace of a long walk by the creek or sitting in the park watching the wind blow through the trees. I just find myself taking time out to enjoy these things. It is helpful and it helps me to clear my mind. Work has been great this week. I got several projects done, still working on some long range ones. I saw some students I taught ten years ago and it was like a "family reunion", lots of hugs and smiles. The students had grown, but amazingly they still remembered me. I was just so happy to see them. It is an honor to experience the teacher-student bond with a child.I feel fortunate to have experienced the joys of motherhood and the blessings of being a teacher.
Well after two days off, some tests and two doctor's visits, I think I am on the mend. Instead of what appeared at first as heart trouble, it was more a "troubled heart" or "broken heart" punctuated by emotion and insomnia...stress. Oh yuck! One hates to even think of it. Luckily I have a spiritually sound primary care physician and a wonderful Oriental Medicine clinic and medical school nearby to help me restore my physical health. I have a church family to help me restore my emotional and spirtitual health. There are caring best friends and pets too. That is comforting. I must say some of the best medicine was my daughter's laughter and silliness. The joy she brings is immeasurable.
Well I'm still here. It was really hard last week. We are going to try to work through this difficult situation. I had trouble enjoying even the most beautiful, sunny day, even though I could see the gentle wind blowing, the gleam of warm sunshine, and grass bending gently in the breeze. An empty heart, thoughts weighing on my mind, and feeling like I could sleep for days. I just pray to make it through this, knowing that the blessing in the trial that passed may not be apparent to me at the moment...I can still hope. Let go and let God, my best friend always says. I know that she is right. Joy, peace and serenity are what I seek. I can't wait until I have one of those moments, a placid, serene, moment where I completely clear my mind as my eyes focus on something beautiful in nature. Staring out into the wind blowing through the trees, or finding myself watching cloud formations blow across the sky as I lay in the grass, it is the silence of total concentration with the absence of conscious thought. I want to drive out to the country and sit on top of the highest hill and just watch the day go by. I need to be far, far away from the hectic pace of the city. I long for the coolness of autumn evenings to take the sting of summer away from my heart. I can forgive, but will I forget I ask myself. It would be so nice just to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. I miss my precious girl. I look forward to seeing her again. She is my heart and soul, wherever she is that is where my heart wants to be. There is no one on Earth who understands me as she does, I love her so very much.
I am taking better care of myself. My mind feels clearer, and my heart not so heavy. I still love the quiet. I enjoy solitude more now than ever before. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to be alone, it is just that I enjoy the peace of a long walk by the creek or sitting in the park watching the wind blow through the trees. I just find myself taking time out to enjoy these things. It is helpful and it helps me to clear my mind. Work has been great this week. I got several projects done, still working on some long range ones. I saw some students I taught ten years ago and it was like a "family reunion", lots of hugs and smiles. The students had grown, but amazingly they still remembered me. I was just so happy to see them. It is an honor to experience the teacher-student bond with a child.
